Life Updates: Dealing with Uncertainty

March 17, 2020

I know, I know – it’s been three months since any of you have heard from me. My Instagram is effectively ~dead (minus the astrology memes and photos of coffee I post every once in a while on stories), and my YouTube channel has essentially become a desert. I thought that I got the hang of post-grad life, but then we moved into 2020 and it was suddenly like I had to re-adjust all over again to uncertainty in every aspect of my life. Does anybody else feel the same way?

General life updates

So, it’s truly been a hot minute. Since we last spoke, I took a short trip out to Indianapolis to visit my boyfriend, Michael. I mentioned it a little bit, but Michael and I started doing long-distance in July. We did it while I was abroad, but this feels a little more permanent and real, and as a result, a little scarier. Doing little trips helps a lot – we did a trip to Chicago in October, and now our Indy trip in February, but it’s never really easy. We’re trying to take it day by day (like in the rest of my life)!

I’m still working out regularly! Even though the classes I take vary from week to week, I try to make a point to take a spin class and a yoga class each at least once a week. I’m falling more and more in love with my workouts all the time, and I’m proud of the consistency I built for myself.

I’ve also been eating vegan once a week, and I love it! Not sure if I’ll ever be able to switch to full on vegan, but it’s opened my eyes to a whole new way of approaching food. I love preparing new dishes, and it was a really great way to get me excited about eating healthy.

and now….COVID-19

The elephant in the room. Today as I am writing this, it is Tuesday, March 17. I received an email from work on Friday morning that we will be working from home for the foreseeable future, and I don’t have any plans to return to my apartment in favor of the comfort of staying with my parents. If I was struggling with routine just a few weeks ago, that’s turning up twelve notches this week!

I don’t know about you, but I am nervous about everything. I wasn’t, at first, but seeing the impact this is having across the globe is really increasing my weariness. I’m torn between wanting to live life without fear (because what is life with fear constantly in the way?) and also wanting to be safe. I’m nervous that I am a vector for the virus and that I infected people I care about. Nervous every time I cough or sneeze, even if in the depths of my mind I know that it’s my seasonal allergies.

Also, I am a planner, and not knowing when life will return to normal is stressing me out. I’m hopeful that normalcy will return again soon, but every day is wearing down my confidence. And it’s only Day 2! Obviously all of the media coverage doesn’t help, but it also doesn’t help that it’s all any of my friends can talk about.

I really miss the life I had a week ago. It might be selfish, but I wish I didn’t take my weekly routines for granted. I would give anything to go back to watching the dumpster fire that was this season of The Bachelor with my friends, or even just going on coffee walks at work. I want to run towards all of that, and away the uncertainty of this new reality. But it’s everywhere.

Uncertainty in work

I’m extremely nervous about completing all of my work from my parents’ house. Part of the reason for my MIA-ness the past three months is because this new rotation is not easy, and this new WFH situation is not likely to help. I love the work that I do, and I’m learning so much, but it would be a lie to say that I’m not struggling. I’ll be doing a comprehensive post on the realities of a rotational program once December comes around, but for now it’s just me collecting my thoughts.

I take responsibility and accountability very seriously. I pride myself on being able to deliver on tasks, and close out everything I am assigned. However, I didn’t realize how hard it can be to balance responsibility and lack of experience/confidence. Sure, I feel responsible for completing my work, with high quality. But I often ask myself how I can complete my work with that little nagging voice in the back of my mind saying I’m not good enough?

I’m learning to be okay with trusting myself, and knowing when to ask for help. From college, I’m so used to being able to do things on my own and just figure them out, but in the real world it isn’t like that all the time! It goes the other way too – just because it’s something that I don’t know how to do right now doesn’t mean I’m incapable. More than anything, it’s learning how to approach uncertainty and how to deal with it without getting overwhelmed. I’m working on it every day.

Dealing with uncertainty

Whew, that was a lot! But in these times, all we can really do is continue to learn and adapt. It’s hard to feel positive and sane, especially with the world “ending” around us, but I’m trying to focus on finding things that ground me. If you need me, I’ll be “social distancing” by practicing yoga through Zoom calls, taking my dog on daily walks, chugging through my work, and FaceTiming my friends. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s important on a day to day basis, but all of this uncertainty is somehow making it all a little clearer. I’m more grateful than ever for what I have, and I hope you’re finding some time for a little gratitude, too.

Stay safe friends! I’ll talk to you soon.

yours truly katrina, college, job

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